mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
