Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
