I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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