i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
