Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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