Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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