Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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