I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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