My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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