just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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