it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
