chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
