Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
