Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
