Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
