We named our party play list daddy issues
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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