Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
