That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize