In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
