Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
