note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
