Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
