Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
how drunk are you?
Several
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
