I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
