I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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