I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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