I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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