If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
