In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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