you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
