you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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