Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
