What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
