I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
