This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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