I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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