I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
