Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
