she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize