Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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