Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
