I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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