Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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