Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
