She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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