she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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