her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
