While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
