She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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