I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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