eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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