Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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