recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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