Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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