direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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