either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
ttyl tear gas
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm at about main and main street
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
