Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
