I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
