My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
